how can I signal that my coworker doesn’t speak for me?

A reader writes:

My coworker, Chuckie, has concerns. A lot of concerns. They aren’t necessarily unfounded — I would say about 50% are completely justified, 40% have some foundation but are overblown, either mildly or significantly, and 10% are ridiculous — but he tends to bring them up with the attitude of a beleaguered martyr airing grievances rather than a professional colleague addressing work issues. He often talks at length about his own stress and frustration and implies (or even outright states) that no one outside of our department cares about the work we do or the people we serve.

My main problem is that sometimes Chuckie raises issues in a way that implies he is speaking on behalf of me and our other five coworkers as well. Often, I agree with some of what he says — like, say Chuckie asks if I think that the bells on the new llama harnesses jangle too loudly (made-up example for anonymity’s sake), and I agree that they’re pretty annoying. But he thinks they’re loud enough that no one in the audience of the afternoon llama show will be able to hear the handler speaking. He also thinks the fact that the handling team didn’t consult our team indicates a serious communication breakdown between the two departments and has written up a 1,000-word email detailing “our” concerns and sent it to everyone in my department and both managers.

I try to be more solutions-oriented at work, and when I can, I’ll steer Chuckie’s complaints in that direction, which seems to be taken positively by our manager. But sometimes I don’t think there’s anything we can/should do. Sure, I would have liked the handling team to have consulted us before they made the purchase and would have brought up the bell issue, but I don’t think it’s my place to argue a fait accompli unless I have evidence of a serious problem in my area of expertise — like that the llamas are experiencing acute distress.

He’ll use “our concerns” and “we feel” pretty consistently both in writing and in person, but when it’s in person the problems are usually smaller, and he’ll turn to us at some point for confirmation, at which point I can pivot to solutions and use softer language. It is still very awkward and I would love to not have to do it, but it’s a low-level tension. (I often feel particular pressure to respond because Chuckie and I have more experience and are generally more proactive than our other colleagues, who tend to be quiet in meetings. I am probably the person who brings the second-highest number of concerns to the table, and I couldn’t swear that my tone or word choice has been 100% perfect, either. I think my lapses are milder and rarer than Chuckie’s but I’m wary of being lumped in as The Two Who Complain.)

His snippy emails only happen a few times a year but I typically find them harder to respond to, both due to the medium and due to the fact that the problems either have no easy solutions or aren’t ours to solve. (I think he saves the tough problems for email so he can plan out the language he wants to use.) Sometimes he will raise an issue with me first, sort of taking my temperature, and I’ll express mild agreement, only to be taken by surprise when an email goes out soon after. I usually just don’t reply, if I think I can get away with it, and mostly a manager will respond to the substance of the email without commenting on the tone. Chuckie might grumble a bit to me and our coworkers in person, but not for very long, until the next problem arises.

I should also mention that, due to some internal reorganization, our day-to-day supervision has changed hands a couple of times in the five years we’ve been working together, so this pattern is probably more obvious to me than some of our supervisors.

What do I do? If I keep silent, that feels like I’m endorsing Chuckie’s overreaction, which reflects poorly on me. If I say “I don’t agree with his concerns at all,” that feels dishonest — and I don’t want to endorse the handing team’s decision either, because I do think it was a bad call, just not a disastrous one. What I really want is a professional way to say, “I basically agree with Chuckie but without all the histrionics.” Does that even exist?

It does exist!

When it happens in person and Chuckie is using “our concerns” and “we feel,” you can correct that! For example:

* “I agree the new harness bells are annoying, but I don’t feel that strongly about it. I’m okay with deferring to the llama handling team on this.”

* “I hear the concern, but I don’t think Chuckie is speaking for the whole group on this. I don’t disagree in principle, but I also don’t feel that strongly about it.”

* “I hear the concern, but I also don’t think Chuckie is speaking for the group on this. I don’t disagree in principle — and I told him I agreed the bells were annoying when we talked about it — but I should have made it clearer that I don’t feel that strongly about it.”

* “Eh, I agree the bells are annoying and I wish they would have consulted us, but I don’t think there’s anything we need to do about it now.”

You can also talk to him after the next meeting where he does this and say something like, “You’ve been presenting things as ‘our concerns’ and ‘we feel’ but I would rather you not speak on behalf of the group without our explicit agreement beforehand. Sometimes it ends up not accurately representing my stance — often because I don’t feel as strongly as you do — and I don’t want to end up distracting from what you’re saying if I have to interject to clarify that.” Or even just, “Hey, you made it sound like I fully agreed with you on this, but I don’t actually share your take in the way you explained it. I would rather you just speak for yourself when you’re raising this stuff, and I will speak for myself as well.”

With the emails, you might be able to use a similar format — “I understand where Chuckie is coming from, but now that they’ve ordered the bells, it’s probably easiest to just live with it. We could talk to them about checking with us before they place their next order though.” In other words, a mild correction about where you stand, and a pivot to a solution.

You can also try warding all of this off more preemptively, when Chuckie first raises issues with you. You know from experience that if you express mild agreement, there’s a good chance he’ll relay that as strong agreement later. So instead, you could try changing the responses you’re giving him — leaning more on things like, “Eh, I don’t feel that strongly about it” or “I think it’s probably fine/not worth the capital/something we shouldn’t bother pursuing.”

Also, though, if you have a decent relationship with your current manager, you might just address it directly with her: “I’ve noticed Chuckie will sometimes word things as if he’s speaking for the group when he raises concerns, but I don’t always agree with him or at least don’t feel as strongly, so I wanted to clarify that. I’ll always speak up myself if I do feel strongly about something.”

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