I’m terrible at receiving negative feedback — and am spiraling from my 360 review

A reader writes:

As part of a leadership development opportunity offered by my organization, I’ve been given the chance to participate in a 360 review process. For context, I report to a member of the C-suite and have been angling for a promotion (which would entail a new role basically being created for me), and the 360 was brought up by my supervisor and our CEO as a growth investment.

I consider myself to be very self aware, so most of the things that came up in the process are not surprising to me, but I’m also very sensitive to criticism, especially from higher-ups. I am very professional and am able to calmly hear the feedback when it’s given, but with this 360, I’m finding myself spiraling. I received the written summary and skimmed the positive, but have read and reread the criticisms. I’m devastated to see the critical feedback from C-suite members in particular, and now have a twofold challenge: one, how do I become better at hearing critical feedback without taking it so personally? And two, how do I get the most out of what is being billed as a leadership/growth opportunity and transform the critical elements of the 360 into something constructive?

Years ago, I was coaching a manager with a similar sensitivity to criticism, who was similarly upset about the feedback in a 360. Interestingly, when I read it through, the majority of what was in there was positive, but she couldn’t stop focusing on the (relatively small amount of) things people thought she could do to improve, and she felt like a failure. I asked her to take a yellow highlighter and highlight everything positive — which left her with a document that was about 90% yellow, which made it visually impossible for her to ignore the actual balance of the input her colleagues had offered, despite what her brain had been trying to do. She has told me in recent years that she still keeps that highlighted document as a reminder for herself.

Can you try something similar and see if that changes the way it’s landing with you? I’m sure you don’t think that you’re flawless or have no areas where you can grow, and if you can correctly place those areas within the broader context of all the things people say you do well, it generally gets a lot easier to feel comfortable with this type of document as a whole, and to see it realistically.

The other thing is: we all have areas where we can do better, and it’s actually a favor for people to be willing to tell you what those are! I know the whole “feedback is a gift” framing feels cheesy … but feedback really is a gift if you’re someone who wants to get better and better at what you do. I was going to add “as long as they offer it reasonably politely,” but I actually think even feedback that’s not diplomatically stated can be a gift, if you choose to see the value in hearing unvarnished input.

That’s true even when you disagree with the feedback — because, if nothing else, it gives you useful info about how you’re coming across to someone else. You might ultimately consider that info and decide it doesn’t matter, but it’s still valuable to have it.

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