I don’t want gifts at work, employee doesn’t wash his hands, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I don’t want employees to give me gifts

I’ve just switched employers and am now heading up a company’s legal division. I value your advice to gift down, not up, but do you have any scripts on how and when to communicate this expectation to subordinates? I don’t want to sound like, “Listen up, peons! Spare me your humble offerings.” Nor do I want to say it so early that it feels like I was expecting them to shower gifts at my feet if I didn’t say something. And if someone ignores me and gives me a gift anyway, how should I handle that? I’m working remotely for a region of the country that’s very different culturally from my own, and I don’t want to inadvertently insult people or harm relationships with my excellent team in a place where gifting seems to be a part of the culture. For what it’s worth, I’m coming from government, where no-gifting-up expectations are clearly set in policy.

Are you mostly worried about this happening with year-end holiday gifts? If so, speak up in late November or early December and say something like, “This is the time of year when people think about holiday gifts, so I want to say up-front that just doing your jobs well is enough of a gift for me. Please spend your money on your family or yourself, and know that I’m grateful to have each of you on our team.” (It’s less weird if you can say this in the context of some other holiday-related announcement, so that it’s not its own stand-alone declaration.)

If you’re seeing a culture around things like birthday gifts, talk to whoever seems to organize them and explain that you don’t want them to organize something for you — and it’s okay to explicitly say, “I feel strongly that no one should feel even minor pressure to buy a gift for anyone in their chain of command.”

But if you do receive a gift from an employee despite this, it’s okay to accept it graciously as long as it’s not extravagantly expensive. You don’t want to make anyone feel bad (which will happen if you refuse to accept a gift); you just want to ensure no one feels obligated to buy you presents. If it is extravagant, you can say, “This was very kind of you! I feel really strongly that managers shouldn’t accept gifts because it can lead to people feeling pressured to provide them — I know you didn’t, but I worry about creating that culture. So I’m going to give this back to you so you can give it a loved one or use it yourself. The only gift I need from you is your good work, and I already have that!”

Also, aside from gifts to you, be alert for signs that anyone might feel pressured to contribute to gifts for others. If gifting is a big part of this office’s culture, I can almost guarantee that there are people who would prefer to keep their money — and that they’d be grateful if you worked to shift that piece of the culture once you’re more settled in.

2. My employee doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom

I am the head of a small organization. I have two-in office employees. We do work in-office most days, and our office space has a bathroom. All of us can hear when the toilet flushes, sink is running, etc. One of my employees clearly does not wash his hands after using the restroom — he’s in there only briefly, and the toilet flushes mere seconds before he emerges from the bathroom. This is gross.

If I put up a “wash your hands” sign, it will be awkward, given there are only three of us here and we work closely together and a new sign would be very pointed and unusual. I’m not sure a sign would change the behavior anyway. Do I need to have a personal conversation with the employee about this (also awkward)? Do I need to resign myself to vigorous hand sanitizing and Lysol spraying? How do I get over the thought of touching the copier, the stapler, the doorknobs, after my employee has, while knowing what he previously touched?

I am sorry to deliver this news because it is gross, but a significant portion of the people walking in around in the world don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom, and you are touching things they have touched all the time when you’re out in public. Signs won’t stop it. You just need to know that’s how people are, and adjust your own behavior accordingly.

(It would be different if you were in food service; then you’d have an obligation to talk to him.)

3. Resumes that include info about gender identity or sexual orientation

This is admittedly, less of a question, and more of something I get concerned about as a manager reviewing resumes. I was advised by a peer to submit this to you in hopes that some hopeful applicants might see it and be more cautious.

I often have resumes from younger individuals that specifically advertise their gender identity or sexuality. While we are a progressive workplace, with many in-house accommodations and built-in support structures that allow team members to present as the gender and be open about the sexuality they are most comfortable with as they are comfortable expressing. That being said, we are located in a less progressive state, where it’s becoming increasingly fraught (while still illegal to discriminate against LGBTQ+ folk in the workplace).

It’s not my place to coach applicants who aren’t my staff, but I wish sometimes I could advise them to be a little more cautious about openly sharing this information — especially at a stage of the hiring process where a less scrupulous person could still choose to discard their resume under the guise of a more “acceptable” reason.

Most often, candidates who do this are doing it intentionally because they want to screen out employers and hiring managers where it’s more likely to be an issue. It’s a way to screening for inclusive workplaces. It’s not infallible, of course, but it’s better than doing no screening and hoping for the best.

4. How much notice should I give before retiring?

How much notice should I give before retiring? Is a standard two weeks enough?

For context, I just got a big promotion in December and I have been leading a newly formed team since January. I am only 54 so I think this move is going to be a surprise, and I feel bad about leaving the team at a formative time. I also have a great relationship with my boss and I hate to put her in a difficult position. But for a variety of reasons, I’ve determined that retiring in September is the right thing for me to do.

Given the circumstances, is it better to give my boss a heads-up well in advance, or should I just stick with the standard two weeks?

It comes down entirely to this: do you trust your boss and your employer not to push you out earlier than you want to leave? And if they did, how much of a problem would it be for you?

If you think that they’ll be grateful for early notice and won’t push you out earlier than September (or if you wouldn’t mind much if they did), go ahead and give them a couple of months of notice if you feel comfortable doing that. But if you don’t trust them on that, or if it would be disastrous if they did, stick with two weeks. You’d be giving two weeks for other types of departures, so it’s not a terrible crime to do that here too.

Keep in mind, too, that “push you out earlier than September” doesn’t have to mean something dramatic like they blow up and tell you to leave immediately. It can look more like initial gratitude for the heads-up, followed a few weeks later by, “We found the perfect replacement but she would need to start immediately so let’s set your end date for sooner” or, “Since we’re about to launch a bunch of new projects, it doesn’t make sense to have you start them and then leave soon after, so it makes more sense to move your ending date up.” I would be particularly concerned about those since you’re still pretty new in the position and, in their eyes, may still be getting acclimated to it.

Related:
how much notice should you give when you resign?

5. Interviewing in the third trimester of pregnancy

I’m currently job searching for a fall start date. Job searching in the spring for a fall start is normal in my industry, although some companies will make offers in March and others might not make offers until June. I find myself in a sticky situation with timelines, because I am in my third trimester of pregnancy, and due in six to eight weeks. I look pregnant, but most people who see me think I am five or maybe six months pregnant — so I seem earlier in the pregnancy than I am.

My current job is a one-year position ending in September, but I will be able to take my full maternity leave at this job. My plan is to return to it for one month before moving to a new job, should I land one. I have had some great first round virtual interviews, with two different kinds of responses — some companies want me to come in ASAP for in-person interviews, and some want to wait until late May or early June for in-person interviews (when I will likely be giving birth/freshly postpartum).

For companies that want to interview me ASAP, I am considering volunteering information during the interview about completing my leave at the current job and not needing a delayed start or maternity leave from the new job, because people may not realize that is my timeline based on my appearance. Is this a good idea? I know there is no way to avoid implicit bias now that I’m visibly pregnant, so I’m hoping to get ahead of the timeline concerns that may pop up. And for companies that seem inclined to take things slow, is there anything I can say without disclosing my pregnancy that would help them realize I cannot wait that long to interview? I did not say anything in the interviews when I was told this because I did not know how to respond, so I’m afraid I will now look panicked or unprofessional.

I’m fairly junior in my field and many women in the field choose to delay pregnancy for 5+ years beyond where I am to avoid being thought of as unserious. But I do love my career, I am incredibly serious about it, and it is my passion. I am afraid that my otherwise strong candidacy will be overlooked due to my pregnancy.

Yes, for the companies interviewing you in-person, it’s smart to share your plans and timeline because they’re going to be reluctant to ask (since they can’t legally factor your pregnancy into the hiring decision).

For the companies moving more slowly, since you know you won’t be able to interview in late May/early June, you might as well put it on the table now: share that you’re pregnant and when you’re due and that you’re planning to finish your leave before you’d be starting with them. They might not be willing or able to interview you any earlier, but they might.

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