The perfect Mother’s Day gift won’t cost you a cent

When Anna Jarvis set out to establish a national Mother’s Day in the early 20th century, her goal was to honor her own mother’s legacy of activism, sacrifice, and maternal devotion. She envisioned a national day of gratitude where all Americans expressed their thanks and admiration for their own mothers.

But just a few short years after successfully getting official recognition for the holiday, Jarvis was horrified to see Mother’s Day commercialized to benefit florists and greeting card companies. Jarvis petitioned to recall the holiday she had championed.

One imagines Jarvis banging her head against the wall if she could see us now, since Mother’s Day spending continues to metastasize. The National Retail Federation anticipates $38 billion in spending for Mother’s Day in 2026, which translates to $284 in per person spending. That’s quite a lot of roses, mimosas, and Hallmark cards.

But for all the money spent in preparation for the second Sunday in May, what the majority of mothers, wives, and girlfriends really want might not cost a cent. Women are asking for a break from the mental load—aka, the cognitive labor required to keep a household running smoothly. Unfortunately, many partners and children would prefer to simply buy something (or let Mom buy her own gift) because easing her mental load is a lot more work.

This Mother’s Day, if you truly want to show your appreciation for the mothers in your life, take a page from Anna Jarvis. Here’s how:

Understand Mom’s mental load

The term mental load got mainstream attention in 2017 when the comic “You Should Have Asked” by French artist Emma went viral. The term refers to the ongoing mental to-do list for family, household, and personal upkeep that (primarily) women carry at all times.

This mental load might include things like recognizing that the household is nearly out of toilet paper, thinking about which camps to sign the kids up for, remembering that the soccer uniform needs to be laundered before the next game, and figuring out what to make for dinner if nothing’s thawed. While there is nothing inherently gendered about this kind of mental organizing, the burden of this labor falls disproportionately on mothers.

When sociologist Allison Daminger, a professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, asked couples to complete decision log surveys, she was not surprised to find that women are doing more of this kind of cognitive labor. But in each case, the couples chalked the difference in mental labor up to personality. If an organized wife and a go-with-the-flow husband are dividing chores, it makes sense that she’s in charge of the calendar.

But as Daminger told Wisconsin Public Radio, “Where I come in as a sociologist is to say: ‘Huh, it’s super interesting that all of these women happen to be type A, all of these men happen to be laid-back. What else might be happening here?’”

Part of what’s happening is the difference in how men and women are held accountable. Moms are more likely to face social consequences for a messy house or a kid wearing mismatched clothing, while dads are judged based on their family’s finances. Neither judgment is fair—but there is a larger mental load associated with running the household and childrearing, since there’s no end to that work day.

Observe the work Mom does

A common gripe about the mental load is that partners and children would be happy to help if only the women carrying this burden would ask them. (Hence the title of the viral cartoon “You Should Have Asked.”)

However, putting the mom in your life in the position where she has to ask for your help is just adding to her mental load. It may help her with a specific physical task in the moment. But it does not reduce her cognitive load because it perpetuates the idea that she’s the manager of the house while you are her helper.

So instead of asking her to make you a list or telling her to ask you for help, start observing the mom in your life. See what work she does and how she does it. For example:

• Does she wipe down the sink when she does the dishes?
• Does she write the kids’ weekly schedule on the whiteboard every Sunday?
• Does she call your side of the family on holidays?
• Does she set timers for the kids’ screen time?
• Does she keep a Pinterest board of dinner recipes?
• Does she cut up fruits and vegetables in individual servings as soon as she gets home from the grocery store?
• Does she make sure all gifts are beautifully wrapped?

These are just some examples of the kinds of labor a mom may do that could fly under the radar. But keeping an eye out for this kind of work, and noticing how your partner or mom completes it, is a good first step in helping ease the cognitive load. That’s because you can start taking on some of these tasks, in the same way that she does, without having to be asked.

Give Mom a break

On Mother’s Day itself, plan on letting the moms in your life have a real break by taking over one task. Depending on which task you choose, it could be 100% free, and many moms would prefer to receive this kind of relief than an overpriced gift you bought at the last minute.

Consider these kinds of presents for the moms in your life:

1. Take the kids out of the house for several hours: This may seem paradoxical on Mother’s Day, but mothers of small children need some time alone at home, especially if they are stay-at-home parents. Give your partner the gift of uninterrupted alone time.
2. Make an entire meal: From planning to grocery shopping to cooking to cleanup, take care of the entire process of making a meal for her. And make sure you return the kitchen to her preferred state of cleanliness when you’re done, since this isn’t a gift if it creates more work for her.
3. Clean the bathroom: This unpleasant task was the subject of another viral essay on mental load: Gemma Hartley’s 2017 article “Women Aren’t Nags—We’re Just Fed Up.” Hartley wanted her husband to hire a cleaning service to deep clean their bathrooms for Mother’s Day, which he neglected to do. Taking the initiative to make your bathrooms spotless, without leaving your wife or girlfriend to take care of the kids while you do it, would go a long way to show your deep appreciation.
4. Clean her car: Unlike her home, many moms live with a less-than-pristine car. If the mom in your life has a rolling schmutz-mobile, enlist the kids’ help in cleaning it inside and out this Sunday. Drop off the Goodwill donations and overdue library books that have been languishing in the trunk, find all the lost mittens and scarves that have accumulated under the seats and return them to the coat closet, and vacuum out all the Cheerio dust from the floor before running that bad boy through the car wash.

While the mom in your life will love any of these gifts, the real present would be adopting the task as a weekly habit from now on. Because isn’t she worth it?

You don’t have to spend money on Mother’s Day

The original vision for Mother’s Day was a national holiday to honor mothers. But within years of its inception, Mother’s Day became a retail holiday that benefited florists and greeting card companies, and the commercialization hasn’t let up since.

Americans spend billions of dollars on this holiday—but gifts aren’t what moms truly want. They want a break from the mental load, which mothers disproportionately carry. It may be easier to buy something for Mom, but it doesn’t really show her how much you appreciate all that she does for you.

Instead of spending money on a gift that will collect dust, why not give the mom in your life a break? Observe the work she does and how she does it so you can start taking on some of those tasks without having to be asked. On Mother’s Day itself, give her time away from the kids, a day off from cooking and cleaning, a clean bathroom, or a clean car—and then make it a weekly habit.

Now that’s the kind of Mom appreciation that Anna Jarvis would approve of.

View the full article