my employee says everyone is rude to her, but she’s actually the problem

A reader writes:

I supervise a team that provides internal services to other employees, some of whom are demanding customers but are on the whole polite and professional.

I have one team member, Jamie, who is convinced that the majority of her interactions with our customers are deliberate attempts to demean her or are outright rude or demanding. I have expressed surprise about this on a number of occasions, as with the majority I’ve never encountered an issue with their behavior. Jamie counters that this is because I have a higher status in the organization. I want to allow for the possibility that this might be true, but I’m still struggling to see any evidence of it, particularly as I’ve had candid conversations with her peers and they have not encountered any issues. Our entire team is the same race, sexual orientation, and gender, so I don’t think that plays a role.

95% of these interactions are by email, so there would be a paper trail of evidence. I’ve encouraged Jamie to forward any problematic communications to me, which she has never done. Sometimes emails will be sent to both of us, and Jamie insists it is rude or demanding and all I see is a perfectly polite request with a please and thank you.

Further, many people have complained to me about the rudeness of Jamie’s emails, which I have, in fact, seen plenty of evidence of.

What am I missing here? I suspect Jamie has a lot of self-esteem issues and anxiety, but I can hardly tell her to go to therapy and work on her personal issues. Telling her I see no evidence of it, even if true, feels dismissive, as Jamie is clearly struggling with something in these interactions.

It’s not dismissive to say, clearly and kindly, “I have reviewed the emails that you’ve told me you see as rude or demanding, and they’re not landing that way with me. I have also talked to others on the team to see if they’re encountering issues with rudeness and they’ve told me they’re not. I believe you that some emails are landing rudely with you, but so far I’ve been unable to find any that I think an outside observer would label that way.” If you want, you could add, “I think we need to consider that your expectations aren’t aligned with what most people consider standard professional emails.”

In fact, I’d argue it’s a kindness to her to let her know that! If her reality is “most people I interact with at work are rude to me,” it’s useful information for her that no one else sees it. Maybe she’ll decide you’re all delusional, but it’s still a kindness to tell her.

But this is complicated by the fact that Jamie is sending rude emails herself, and you’ve got to address that part too. And that’s a weird twist! How is she interpreting objectively normal and mundane emails as rude while sending out rude emails herself? Any chance she has a large chip on her shoulder that makes her interpret anything sent to her in the worst possible light, and she then responds accordingly (so she thinks someone is being rude when they weren’t and then is rude in her reply — or even in future emails to that person because now she’s nursing a grudge)?

Either way, all you can really do is to forthrightly address any emails she sends that aren’t in sync with the way you expect team members to talk to colleagues, as well as to address the pattern itself. You’ve got to tell her what she needs to do differently and then hold her accountable to that.

Meanwhile, you can tell her that the offer always stands that she can forward you any messages she receives that she thinks are out of line. (It’s interesting that she hasn’t taken you up on that so far.) Also, the next time she says that an email sent to both of you was rude or demanding, ask her to tell you exactly how she thinks it should have been written instead. That may shed some interesting light on where she’s coming from.

But ultimately, this is all out of key enough that I’d want to take a look at Jamie’s work more broadly, because I’m skeptical that this is the only problem with her judgment and the way she interacts on your team.

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