a senior leader threatened to kill someone in a meeting

A reader writes:

I work for a large nonprofit organization; I started here a few months ago. I am a mid-career professional, and in general, I feel like I usually have pretty good instincts for how to handle interpersonal conflict at work. But I feel stumped by this one.

In a recent call (on Zoom/video) with approximately 10 staff members, we were discussing a stressful work project where a lot of things are going wrong. One of the senior leaders on my team said (I am paraphrasing), “If XYZ happens, I will kill someone.”

They did not name a specific person; they seemed to be expressing their extreme frustration at how the project was going.

I tried to intervene with empathy, saying something like, “I know, this is a very stressful situation and it’s frustrating that we are facing these issues.” The leader then said, “I am not joking. I will literally kill someone.”

From this person’s tone and body language, I feel like they actually were (probably) joking … even though they said, “I am not joking!” But no matter what the person intended, it does not sit well with me. The more I think about it, the more I feel (a) uncomfortable at people threatening homicide in the workplace and (b) resentful that I feel like I need to spend time wondering if my senior leader will or will not actually commit a harmful act.

My feeling is: any time someone says that they intend to kill someone — either themself or someone else — we as a society should err on the side of caution and not ignore it. So I am wondering if I should say something and, if so, to whom?

We do not have an anonymous reporting tip line in my office, so the options I am considering include HR and my own boss, with whom I have a good relationship (though this person is their boss, so I feel discomfort in that).

P.S. For what it’s worth, I am keeping my eyes and ears out as I learn more about working at this place, because not long after this, another person on the call said something like, “You are not the first person today to express homicidal tendencies in a meeting.” I am beginning to wonder if this just a toxic work culture.

It’s much, much more likely that these are people using hyperbole to express frustration than that they are actually considering murder.

To be clear, that’s not good! People shouldn’t do that. But a lot of people do talk this way, just like a lot of people say “if this printer jams one more time, I’m going to throw myself out the window” without meaning they are truly considering self-harm.

You are entitled not to want to hear that kind of thing at work. And people need to be more thoughtful about how their language might land with someone who, for example, had a loved one murdered or who did in fact throw themselves out a window. People tend to use this kind of expression without thinking about the fact that those things happen in real life, and that their audience may include people have been affected by the exact thing they’re joking about.

But it’s also true that this kind of expression pops up at work sometimes, and you are generally expected to differentiate between clear hyperbole and a potential threat. I want to be clear — I’m not saying that’s right, just that it’s usually the reality of it.

As for what to do, you could certainly talk to HR and/or your boss about it. They will probably tell you that it sounds like hyperbole to them, and your boss in particular might have more insight about her boss that would put it in context. But you could point out that it’s jarring and upsetting to hear that kind of thing at work, especially as someone fairly new who doesn’t have long relationships with the parties involved to put it in context, and suggest reminding people — and especially this manager — to be more thoughtful about their language.

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