people complain I’m unenthusiastic at work events, fair scheduling when kids are involved, and more

[ResidentialBusiness]

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. People complain that I don’t want to be at work social events

I’m in a senior leadership role, and have been for the last six years. I keep running into the same problem and I’d love your advice.

I don’t enjoy social activities at work (Christmas parties, picnics, etc.), and I also don’t like corporate retreats. I’d rather do my tasks, as I’m very busy. I’m very much in the minority.

I always encourage my staff to participate. I do attend, but it’s out of obligation. People notice and then complain to my boss, who keeps talking to me about my participation.

I resent this. To me, attending even though I don’t want to is my way of being a good leader and teammate. But apparently that isn’t enough; I’m supposed to like the activity itself. I’m told I should want to do the thing.

My job isn’t at risk. But it’s causing my boss stress I don’t think is fair. I also can’t abide the idea that I would be inauthentic by being overly enthusiastic. I’ve asked to be told when something is mandatory, but it’s been made clear to me that I shouldn’t need to, and should go to everything.

If people are able to tell that you don’t want to be there to the point that they’re complaining to your boss about it … yeah, you’re in the wrong. Particularly as a senior leader, it’s rude to make it so obvious that you don’t want to be there that people around you can tell (which I’m guessing is what’s happening, because otherwise there would be nothing for people to pick up on, let along take to your boss). If you didn’t enjoy the activities but went out of obligation and behaved graciously while you were there, this would be fine. You don’t need to be “overly enthusiastic”; you just need to not be obviously unenthusiastic.

Part of being in senior leadership is that you not only show up for this stuff, you do it graciously.

For what it’s worth, there’s plenty else about being in senior leadership that’s “inauthentic” but is still part of the job, like not rolling your eyes when a colleague says something absurd, or implementing that was made above you and isn’t what you would have picked, and on and on.

2. How can we create a schedule that’s fair to people with and without kids?

I work in a small department that has strict customer-facing hours from morning through evening; the team is me and two coworkers.

Our manager used to ask for our scheduling preferences each quarter and would try to make sure everyone was pretty equal (one closing, one opening per week per person, no weird shifts that make taking a lunch impossible). She retired and hasn’t yet been replaced. Big Boss has been having us work out the schedule amongst ourselves, and we’re running into trouble.

We’re trying to collaboratively create a schedule that covers all the hours and works well enough for everyone. But both my coworkers are coming to the table with very limited hours. Both have children and need to come in and leave at very specific times to do dropoff/pickup, but this is leaving difficult gaps of time to fill. I find that my colleagues aren’t being particularly flexible and I understand that they have children, but I don’t want to work every late afternoon or evening, work every day while they get 1-2 days completely off customer-facing work, or have a really irregular schedule (close one night, open the next morning, split shifts) while theirs are more consistent.

How can I approach this? I have no “need” to leave work early or refuse these shifts, and saying I just don’t want to work all the bad shifts doesn’t seem to carry as much weight as family obligations. Are there any solutions? I’m hoping not to bring it to Big Boss if I don’t have to.

Your framing is wrong! It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for not wanting to have the short end of the stick every day, or even the majority of the time. You get to say your time off is important too, and you’re presumably not being paid any kind of extra premium for taking on more scheduling hassle than your coworkers are.

It’s enough to simply say, “I don’t want to work late every afternoon or evening or have a really irregular schedule while everyone else’s is consistent. That won’t work for me, and I propose we handle it the way OldManager used to — for example, (fill in specific proposal).” If they reply with, “Well, I can’t because X,” then you should say, “I can’t either, and I’d like to schedule the way we did under OldManager, which everyone seemed to be able to accommodate then.”

And if an agreement can’t be reached relatively quickly, then do bring in Big Boss — that’s part of what they’re there for, and it’s more likely to solve the problem than having to convince people who have already demonstrated they’re not willing to be fair to you. Sometimes you need someone in authority to step in and resolve things.

Related:
I’m getting stuck with extra work because I don’t have kids

3. I have log my work on the days I work from home

I’m a third-year attorney, and I started a new, non-private-sector job three months ago. I’ve had some frustrations and trouble adjusting to this place, but I did appreciate that it had a hybrid work option. Today, though, I found out that there’s been an existing requirement (which my supervisor only informed me about today) to send a log every week summarizing the work we did on the days we worked from home. It’s a company requirement, not from my supervisor. She explained that she’s waived the requirement for senior attorneys, but the junior attorneys still need to do it — in other words, I read it as not for billing purposes, but to “prove” that we’re doing work on days we work from home.

I’m furious. The pandemic started during my time in law school, so I’ve had hybrid or remote work since even before I passed the bar. I’ve never had this requirement at any place I’ve worked as an attorney or law clerk — not firms, nonprofits, or the federal judiciary. In law, if you weren’t actually working on your days you worked from home, it would show in your total work product (i.e., not drafting enough briefs or filing enough cases). So this requirement makes me feel that my job doesn’t trust me to manage my time, even though I’ve already done extensive work during the short time I’ve been here and gone far over the 40 hours a week (not due to my speed, but due to the amount of work). Every time I go to fill out the form, I’m furious, even though it only requires a summary for each day. Two questions: (1) am I overthinking this, and (2) regardless, how do I get over this enough to do the log?

Well, first: yes, it’s a bad requirement. And yes, effective managers are able to spot it if people aren’t being productive on their work-from-home days.

But “furious” seems excessive, particularly if you otherwise like the job. Since the requirement is coming from above your manager, it’s likely that this is a firm that wasn’t fully comfortable with remote work (as many aren’t) and this is key to them allowing it. Find it eye-rolly, by all means, but anger is an overreaction. See the log as an investment in keeping hybrid work available to you and others there.

Also, though … is other stuff going on that’s making you unhappy with this job? This is the kind of thing that will grate far more if you’re already not happy for other reasons.

4. Can I ask my old job to take my name off their website?

I left my last job about four months ago after almost six years there. It’s a small business and, for context, there were two other people doing the same job as me, although there should have been four. We’d been looking for another person for at least six months with no results. About two months after I left, one of the two remaining people also left so they now just have one person doing this job and no real leads for anyone else.

Both of us who left are still listed on the business website “meet the team.” I don’t know if this is deliberate in order to make it look like they are still fully staffed, or just the manager not doing her job. Unfortunately, I didn’t leave on the best of terms with my manager — she was a very nice person but did absolutely no actual managing. If you wanted to sit around all day on your phone, no one would say anything. This was made worse when she hired her daughter to be an “assistant.” Anyway, I don’t want to be associated with this business anymore, and I would like my name off the website. Would it be inappropriate for me to email my former manager and ask her to take me off?

It’s not inappropriate to request that. You can’t force them to do it, but you can absolutely ask them to. I would frame it this way: “I noticed the website still lists me as an active employee. Would you please remove my name so that anywhere I apply in the future doesn’t mistakenly think I am still there? Thank you, and I hope you’re doing well.”

5. How do I tell my former boss to stop digging into how I am?

The full context for this situation goes back a couple of years. My department was going through a reorg right as I was going out on parental leave, and I went from having one report to being one of two newly promoted team leads. I came back from leave to a company that had gone through significant change and to a job in which I didn’t really know what was expected from me. Additionally, we went through a serious lull in work and I had no real projects. My counterpart had been leading both teams while I was gone, so I really floundered. I also was dealing with becoming a parent, so I spent my energy trying on that rather than work. Somewhere in there, the powers that be decided they wanted one person in charge of revenue for our area rather than two. I was still trying to get my feet under me and told my boss that I didn’t want that responsibility, so it went to the other lead, but I still had multiple people reporting to me and some other responsibilities.

Fast forward to now and there is another reorg, in part to make more of a triangle reporting structure. The outcome of this is that I have essentially been demoted. I now report to my previous peer, some of the people who were reporting to me now report to him, and all of my higher-level responsibilities are gone. I tried to make a case for moving into a different reporting structure with some different higher level responsibilities but was told no.

I am angry and humiliated. No one in my reporting structure ever said to me that this sucks and isn’t a reflection of my performance. There keep being little reminders of what was taken away that turn the screw a little more (like someone asking me about a standing meeting that I am no longer a part of). Being at work is miserable.

I have worked with my (previous) boss for a long time and have told her quite plainly that I am not happy about this. And every time we meet, she keeps asking how I am. I say I’m fine, but she pushes and I end up crying in front of her. At this point, I just want to be left alone to do the job I am left with. I have a lot of feelings about how this ended up happening, some of which are directed toward my company, some of which are directed inward toward my own decisions, and some of which are directed at the universe toward the horrible timing of the promotion and baby coming together. None of these feelings are my old boss’ business. As far as I know, there are no issues with my performance since the change, and I’m sure my old boss is coming from a good place, but how do I tell her to leave me alone with this? And is it possible to do it without crying in front of her again?

(Yes, I am job searching but my industry is in a tough spot with recent layoffs affecting a lot of candidates I am competing with, so I anticipate it being a long search.)

“I appreciate you checking in on how I’m doing, but it ends up stirring things up that I’m trying to put to rest. In the interests of my being able to move forward with the situation as it stands, I’d be grateful if we can just take it as read that I’m doing okay and talk about about other things instead!”

And then if she does it anyway, be prepared with a subject change to push the conversation to something else.

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