how can I stop being frustrated with a coworker who’s making my job harder?

[ResidentialBusiness]

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I just got feedback from my manager that I need to work on communication with a coworker. I think it’s mainly about tone not content, and I agree with the feedback — I have admittedly been pretty short. I’m irritated and it’s coming across. Where I’m getting stuck, though, is that it’s coming from a place of frustration and I’m not sure how to solve it without doing something about the underlying frustration.

Let me give more context. My coworker Petunia and I are a two-person team. For the sake of anonymity, let’s say we do llama support; she is more junior and provides, say, llama food, and I am more senior and provide llama training and enrichment and also work as a team lead. We have separate managers. We both receive a potentially large bonus based on how much the llama farms we work with use our services.

The challenge is that Petunia keeps dropping balls. She’ll, say, forget to order food for a set of llamas. We have a lot of clients and we all miss things sometimes, so I’ve tried to be understanding, but it happens pretty frequently with Petunia. The last time she took a week-long vacation, I reminded her on the day before she left that a farm’s order was overdue and to make sure it got ordered before she left — and she still forgot it. On at least two occasions when I have trusted her to own a large complicated project, she messed up in a massive way that caused the owner of the farm to get involved, and since I’m the team lead, my manager held me responsible for messing up the partnership. Please trust me that it’s nothing fireable, but it’s a lot of missed due dates, leaving early, and occasional big errors.

Petunia knows she is dropping balls and keeps promising that she’s going to buckle down, does so for a week, and then goes back to normal. I have tried looping in her manager, Sam, but every time I do that, Petunia has expressed displeasure with me for not going to her first. But some of the things I go to Sam about, I just don’t feel like I have the standing to complain to Petunia directly about. It’s not my place to dictate her work hours, for example, and I guess I could respond when she says she’s too busy with Llama A to do Llama B in a timely manner by suggesting she work until 5 like all the other llama food specialists, but I can’t figure out how to say that without sounding passive-aggressive.

It’s compounded by the fact that Petunia has some objectively difficult things going on in her personal life; initially, I gave her a lot of leeway and was willing to take on extra work, but it’s now been going on for nine months, and my patience is clearly getting low. I agree with my manager that this kind of frustration isn’t productive at work, and I want to communicate better, but I’m having trouble with how to be empathetic when I get looped into an urgent food ordering issue that Petunia has left behind but gave me no context on before leaving for a long weekend.

I feel like I can’t just drop the rope because I make thousands of dollars based on how much these farms want to work with us.

I generally respect Petunia’s manager and it’s possible that he is working with her on performance issues. But — as is fair — he’s not giving me status updates. So I feel like I’m out here on my own, trying to do my own job and half of Petunia’s job while overseeing the other half, but also managing Petunia’s emotions so she doesn’t feel micromanaged because she’s complained about that, and now I have to do it all while smiling. Please help me come up with a plan. I don’t want to be a jerk.

Go back to your manager and say this: “I thought a lot about your feedback, and you’re right: my tone with Petunia has been short. I’ve been sounding irritated when talking to her, and that’s not okay. In thinking about how to fix this, I’ve realized I need to address my growing frustration with not being able to get what I depend on her for. It’s never okay to be short with a colleague and I am committed to fixing that, but I also want to talk to you about the issues I’ve been encountering and see if we can resolve them.”

And then lay out what you laid out here: Petunia keeps dropping important balls, she regularly makes commitments that she doesn’t meet, and you can’t rely on her to do her job without extensive oversight and involvement from you. When you’ve talked with her about it previously, she gets better for a week, then goes right back to messing up. At this point you’re having to do your own job plus half of hers, plus making sure she doesn’t feel micromanaged even though there’s no way around that.

Say that you’ve tried looping in Sam, but Petunia gets upset when you do.

And then ask for your manager’s help on what to do next. You don’t have the authority to solve the problem yourself, so you need to escalate it to someone who does.

If your manager doesn’t help, have this conversation with Sam instead. If Petunia objects to that, that’s okay! You can tell her, “Sam needs be part of this, because you and I have talked about it previously and the same issues are still coming up. Since you and I haven’t been able to resolve it on our own — and there may be context I’m not aware of since I’m not your boss — I’d like him to be involved.” Don’t let her guilt you into not talking to Sam about what’s going on; it’s perfectly appropriate for you to loop him in and ask for his help.

And then going forward, if problems with Petunia continue, keep raising with them with Sam and with your own manager every time. Right now it’s become your problem to handle — even though you don’t actually have the tools or authority you need to be the one handling it, which is where your frustration is coming from — and you need to push it back on the people whose job it is, every time.

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