talking to an employee about body odor, not having work friends when you’re the boss, and more

[ResidentialBusiness]

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Talking to an employee about body odor

I manage a large department with several sub-departments. I have been working myself up to addressing an issue for quite some time, because it is a sensitive issue that I don’t know how to handle without fallout: personal hygiene.

One of the staff members who has been with me for several years has been showing up to work for the past year with an odor that is less than pleasant. This was not an issue previously, and I attribute it to becoming more comfortable in the environment and slipping into a pattern of lackluster personal habits. I do not see any outward signs of depression or mental health issues. They are as happy and chipper as ever. I know that we all wear masks and more could be going on, but these are my observations.

Some days are better than others, but much of the time it is bad. So bad that I do not want them in my very small office if I can avoid it. But the other staff members don’t have a choice, and it is my job to advocate for their comfort.

This person is extremely sensitive, and my fear has been that the talk I know I need to have will cause so much embarrassment for them that they will quit. Over the years we have given this person more and more responsibility, and they are highly skilled and a rare commodity in our field.

I asked my assistant manager what they thought I should do, because they often see things that I don’t, which is a huge asset. They suggested that instead of singling the offender out, I talk to the group and just set some expectations about weekly washing of outerwear and a request to focus on personal hygiene in general. I thought this was a great idea until I realized that it is very possible that my newest employee, who has only been with us a month, may feel that it is about them, since they are the most recent addition. I don’t want to alienate them, especially before I have really formed a bond with them.

To add even more layers to this, I also employ a family member of the person in question, who could also become a collateral damage loss.

I would love your thoughts on this. Am I overthinking this? Do I just need to buck up and deal with it directly, come what may?

Yes, you need to buck up and deal with it.

Definitely do not do the group conversation! Addressing problems with the whole group when you really only need to talk to one person is almost a guaranteed way to ensure that other people will worry you’re talking about them, while very often the person who actually needs to hear the message will blithely ignore it. I understand the impulse — it feels much easier since it won’t feel as personal — but it’s not fair to the rest of the group, and it’s actually not fair to the employee in question either, since they deserve the hear the message more directly, and delivered in a more sensitive way than in front of other people.

It is an awkward conversation; there’s no way around that. But it’s very unlikely that your employee will quit over it, let alone their family member, as long as you’re respectful. The best thing you can do is to be direct but as kind as possible. Meet with the person privately (ideally toward the end of the day so they can go home afterwards and not feel self-conscious all day) and say something like, “This is awkward for me to bring up, and I hope I don’t offend you because I value you greatly. I’ve noticed you’ve had a noticeable odor lately. It might be a need to do laundry more often or shower more, or it could be a medical thing. I know it might not be something you realized, so I wanted to bring it to your attention and ask you to see what you can do about it.”

It might help you steel yourself to have the conversation if you consider that it’s a kindness to the employee to say something. If the problem is at the point where people don’t want to be near them, that’s something they deserve the opportunity to know about and fix.

Related:
how to talk to an employee about body odor
I’m the smelly coworker

2. Adjusting to not having work friends now that I’m everyone’s manager

I’m adjusting to a fairly recent promotion (five months ago) from assistant manager to manager. In my previous role, I had four direct reports, while two other staff and I all reported to the manager. While I had more decision-making authority than the other two, we were very friendly and there wasn’t any question of them reporting to me. Now, after some restructuring, my previous direct reports and my two former coworkers and two new staff are all reporting to me. That’s everyone at our location.

I have been very excited about this promotion. My team is awesome, and it was a very positive change for everyone. My problem is this; what can I do to fill the work-friend void? I know from your own advice, from the advice of my current boss, and from my own sense of the fitness of things that I can’t develop close friendships with my team. They are all my employees. But I spend a lot of time at work and I have small kids at home who take up my evenings. I can’t go join a new activity or hobby group. Should I reach out virtually to managers of other locations in my organization? I just don’t know when I’d have time to actually spend with them since we work in different buildings. Do I just need to resign myself to feeling lonely at work?

Yeah, it does require a shift, and it can be a lonely one! You absolutely can try building bonds with managers of other locations within your org, and sometimes that can be done virtually (Slack or similar?) but it likely won’t feel the same as having work friends right there in your office who know your day-to-day context the way your closer coworkers do. It can help to look for other types of fulfillment at work, like the satisfaction of being a warm, supportive manager who is a thoughtful presence for your staff … which can be extremely fulfilling! It just won’t scratch the same itch as work friends do, which is indeed a lonely part of managing at a certain level.

Ideally, once your kids are older, you’ll have more room for building connections outside of work, which will help. But the next few years may be more spartan that you’d prefer on the friend front. (That can change as they become more independent, though!)

3. Applying to work as a historically Black college as a white person

Is it appropriate for a white person to apply for a leadership position at a HBCU (Historically Black Colleges and Universities)? It would be more administrative work than public-facing, if that makes a difference? I’m not asking about legalities; I know we are not supposed to use race in hiring. But ethically?

If you support the mission and are qualified for the job, you should apply. There are lots of non-black employees at HBCU’s; it won’t be weird.

4. My more junior coworker go the promotion I wanted

I might be emotional right now because this just happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it so here we go. I just got the news that I did not recieve the promotion I really wanted, to supervisor over my current team.

My coworker, also on my team but several years behind me in seniority, received it. I totally put my foot in my mouth because after I got the news I went to share with her and accidentally put her in the awkward position to tell me it was her who got it. (Lesson learned, wait for the official announcement before talking to other people who applied.) I did tell her I was happy that if it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t an external hire, that I was glad it was her (and I was honest about that). At the same time, I know she could tell that finding out was extra crushing to me, because she’d told me earlier that she didn’t expect to get it, was applying because “why not,” and fully expected that if it was between the two of us, it would go to me.

Objectively, I see why she got it. The rejection was also a feedback session. They said that the things I identified with wanting in a leader, I also identified as my own weaknesses, and that I need to come out of my shell and lead people more in project settings before I take on a role like this. My coworker is much more of a people person; we’ve had an influx of new people, and she’s taken the lead with most of their training. We both jumped in, but she volunteered for more and I felt like I didn’t have as much time because of my own workload. Now I feel like I let her edge me out.

Do you have any advice? Part of me wonders if I should stay in this department. The feedback session alluded to “next time,” but the truth is these roles don’t open up very often. In four years, this is only the second time a supervisor position has been open.

Don’t decide anything now, when you’re still processing the news! Wait and see how you’re feeling a few months after your coworker has started in the position. You might discover you really liking working for her! Or you might not — but let yourself off the hook for any kind of decision-making right now while you’re still adjusting to the news.

I do think there’s potentially a real growth opportunity here if you approach it that way: if you agree that most of what you said you want in a leader are also things you feel are weaknesses of your own, that’s hugely useful information! It’s a road map of the areas to focus on to make yourself a stronger candidate for future management roles (whether here or in a different organization). You want to prepare not just for getting hired into the job, but for doing the job well for years afterwards (which is something that a lot of managers overlook) — and this is insight into the specific skills to work on building comfort with, and then also demonstrating.

5. Obscene messages in the snow

I work in higher ed in a snowy climate. The other day, someone went out into the snow and tracked a giant penis across the entire quad — it was very visible from several offices. Another day, someone tracked a (non-hateful, but very specific) religious message into the snow, also visible from many offices. Obviously this is just par for the course when you live and work in a residential setting and on a public campus, but it made me wonder: what would (should?) a company do if someone puts something inappropriate into the snow around their office building? And if it should be removed, who should be the person who actually does the removing (presumably “go into the snow and track it around to hide the penis” isn’t in anyone’s job description)?

Ahh, college, how I miss you! No one makes giant snow penises outside where I live anymore. (When I was in college, one giant snow penis was so controversial that it became the subject of multiple letters-to-the-editor in the campus paper, which is amazing.)

Anyway, if it happened a different workplace, whoever handled your facilities work would deal with having it removed — maybe that’s your grounds workers, maybe it’s whoever would handle it if an exterior wall were vandalized, maybe it’s the building management company, and so forth.

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