I rejected a student’s advances, but his parents are mad at me

[ResidentialBusiness]

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’m a volunteer for an after-school program for high schoolers interested in my profession (similar to, say, a robotics team). I’m a woman in my mid-20s, and one of the kids is a 16-year-old boy we’ll call Marvin. Marvin is a very bright and hardworking kid who excels academically (AP classes, honor society) and works at a fast food place. He is also what some would call a “nerdy outcast” and only has a few acquaintances his own age. He gets along much better with teachers than other students, and I’m no exception. I was exactly like him when I was his age and remembered the deep relationships I had with my teachers, so I’ve steadily become his de facto mentor. We talk about club-related things, but he also vents to me about his troubles and info-dumps about his hobbies and interests (some of which I share).

When I arrived home one day, I opened my bag to find a box and a red envelope. Unfortunately, Marvin had left me a Hallmark card with a long-winded confession of feelings for me, and in the box was a ring with a diamond look-alike. The next time I saw him, I pulled him aside out of view from the others, and I gently told him that while I was flattered, as an adult, it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to be his girlfriend, although I’m very grateful to have him as a student. I asked how much he paid for the ring, and he said that he had bought it at a pawn shop for $500 with his own money from his job. I told him that someday, there would be a woman his own age who would appreciate the thought, but that he should return it. I gave him back the ring and the card, and although he was clearly sullen, he gave me a quiet “sorry” and returned to work with the others.

A few days passed before the teacher who runs the volunteer group scheduled a meeting with me and Marvin’s parents. His parents had discovered the withdrawn $500 from Marvin’s checking account, and they had found the card and receipt from the pawn shop in his room. After questioning him, he confessed that he had given them to me and that I had rejected him. His parents went to the teacher to ask if he knew about this, and they scheduled the meeting to ask me. I confirmed to them exactly what had happened, and both the parents and teacher were mad that I didn’t tell them.

I said that I didn’t tell them because I trusted Marvin to take the rejection with grace since he was more mature than the other students, which I felt he did. I also said that I figured the rejection would be enough of a lesson for him, and that letting anyone else know about it would be needlessly humiliating, especially for a good kid like him. The $500 was confirmed to be his own money, too, so all the financial consequences were his own to deal with without extra judgment needed from others. The teacher and parents seemed to take issue with my response, and after the parents left, the teacher told me that he would have to schedule a separate meeting to discuss my standing as a volunteer.

I was completely taken aback by their responses and left speechless by the teacher’s mention of my standing. I never had an issue with the teacher before this. Marvin had admitted to his parents himself that I had rejected him, but the parents and teacher acted like this was something I had encouraged for nefarious reasons. Marvin is just an odd one out in the cruel Mad Max thunderdome that is high school, so anything social is scary. I was just trying to make it easier for him. This will probably turn into one of those embarrassing memories that keeps Marvin up at night in 10 years, so I didn’t want to rub salt on his wound. Did I do something wrong?

With the caveat that I don’t work in education and so am answering this as someone outside the field (but who has been licensed to work with teens): yes, I think you should have proactively reported what happened to the teacher who manages you as a volunteer, for your own protection.

Teenagers don’t always handle rejection with grace — hell, plenty of adults don’t handle rejection with grace — and as an adult trusted to work with kids, it’s important to make sure stuff like this is documented somewhere in case there’s any question later about what happened.

I do appreciate your desire to protect Marvin’s privacy and 100% believe you acted with the best of intentions … but again, adult / kid / rejection — there’s just too much risk for something to get misunderstood or told differently later. That might get more intuitive if you swap the genders and think about whether you’d tell an adult man to keep a student’s advances secret. Keeping it secret might feel respectful to the student, but there’s too much risk to that. (An example of that from your letter: “the parents and teacher acted like this was something I had encouraged for nefarious reasons.”)

The $500 is an added complication, because that’s a lot of money (for anyone, but especially for a teenager). You were right to tell him to return the ring, but the price is another factor raising the stakes and pushing the situation past something you should handle on your own.

Ideally you would have talked to the teacher who oversees you, shared what happened, explained your desire not to embarrass Marvin any further, and asked about policies or best practices for handling the situation. Not looping in the organization you’re working for is where you went wrong.

For what it’s worth, the organization you’re volunteering for is also to blame if they didn’t give you training that covered the sorts of things you should report and not attempt to handle on your own. Outside adults shouldn’t be thrown together with kids without some pretty intensive training about things that need to be reported and the limits of confidentiality, so the organization is also in the wrong for leaving you unprepared and then blaming you when you didn’t get it quite right.

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